Cultural Paradox

All the teachers just got a gift of luxury bath towels from the parents as a way to welcome the new principal. Whatever that means.

The gift was wrapped and each of us got one, but not a single teacher made a move to unwrap it. I was hoping we scored some chocolate or warm squishy rice cake, although the wrapping smelled like newspaper. I hesitated between mouse clicks and type strokes, my hunger ultimately trumping my concern for possibly committing a social faux pas.

The reason I’m telling you this is because my hesitation, that concern that I may be looked upon as weird or different--even more so than I already am in my status as a foreigner--, got me thinking about Koran social norms. I’ve drawn some conclusions that may be over simplified and grossly incorrect, but that I’m going to tell you about anyway because they’re entertaining.

Of course, as always, I will attempt to put these conclusions in list form for a more easily digestible reading experience.

But first I must preface the list with this: there is a contradiction in Korean society that drives me crazy. While Koreans are constantly concerned with the idea of a collective society, one that holds individuals in check and responsible for their actions through shame and social obligation (thereby requiring Koreans to constantly acknowledge each other in public), they also practice the weird and hard-to-adapt-to custom of pretending that strangers don’t really exist such that they can ignore strangers in certain situations. This will be easier to understand in the following list.

(My cousin, her friends, Andrew and I in Wonju Province at the Modugal festival)

Some social standards in Korean society:

1. Respect and make exceptions for the elderly and children.

(I almost labeled this “Respect and make exceptions for the weaker members of society” but this rule doesn’t apply to physically disabled people.) People observe this rule in America as well; however, the difference between the Korean and American perspective on this rule is that it is less of a rule in America and more of a moral or ethical decision. For example, in Korean society, it is almost required of a younger person to give up his or her seat on a bus or subway to an elderly person or children. This sounds like a small thing, but in the reality of everyday transportation in Seoul it gets to be a somewhat major sacrifice. Further, when you do give up your seat, there is rarely a ‘thank you’ but rather a dismissive wave that seems to indicate that your action was expected. The elderly come and stand by young people’s seats on purpose, and if you don’t yield immediately, impose a strategy of staring at you until you do. Young people have developed a defense against this social abuse: they watch TV on their cell phones or pretend like they’re asleep.

Other privileges children and the elderly enjoy include cutting line at subways, buses and bathrooms, blatant staring at people or things they find interesting, yelling or shouting in public places, physically fighting in public places. The elderly must also be spoken to in the polite Korean form at all times.


2. Dress nicely and appropriately when in public places or around people who aren’t family.

Koreans must always put effort into the appearance, or at least look like they do. Men and women frequently get hair cuts (at salons for like ten bucks). Both men and women style their hair and women rarely wear it casually pulled back. Most Koreans, like the numerous k-pop groups, follow a style or trend whether it be the newest western fashions, punk, androgynous, etc. High heels are extremely common. Women don’t wear hats in the long winter months of below-freezing temperatures because they don’t want to mess up their hair and make up. In the summer, women keep their shoulders and chest covered even in the heat to avoid being inappropriate. Going out in sweat pants or flip flops is hard because people stare at you. Its like…at least this is how I feel…that its your obligation to look nice because you’re representing Koreans. I mean, this may not be true everywhere in Korea, but I definitely feel like its true in Seoul.

I know my cousin won’t mind me using her as an example. We were getting our photos taken at a studio in Insadong, and they pulled our hair back tight in a bun for the photos. When we finished, there was a huge crease in our hair. I put my hair back, but she was worried about going out into the city and being seen. She said, “I’m acting like a typical Korean girl.”

3. Do not get loud or overly personal in public places

This rule means maintaining a relatively low sound level in bars, restaurants, subways, buses, streets, work place, etc. My co teachers and I leave our office to talk on the cell phone. Groups of westerners I have been with have been asked to be quiet or leave in many bars and public transportation places. PDA, cursing, and inappropriate talk is also frowned upon, and if heard by the elderly or middle aged, women may earn you some harsh stares.

The point of this list is to show that these social norms are stricter than American social norms because the public holds you more accountable. This is usually done through stares, but can sometimes escalate to someone telling you to be quiet or stop doing what you’re doing. It is not unusual to see an old man or woman yelling at a younger Korean for some crime no one saw committed.

(My friend Vivian and I in the subway in Winter. Lisbeth is talking to a stranger!)

Examples of the “Stranger” Rule

As I said earlier, even though Koreans hold each other responsible for their actions in public and feel like they are constantly representing Korean society and must, therefore, abide by certain rules and standards, they also treat strangers (in other situations) like they don’t exist.

1. You do not exist on the street

When I arrived here, one of the first things I noticed when I went out into the city was that people run into you. Of course, this happens in crowded cities. But in Seoul, it happens often, and without apology. People usually don’t alter their paths one iota to accommodate yours, and I often wonder what would happen if I didn’t move…would we just run into each other? Sometimes I try to do it, go against all my western instincts and just run into people (the way Andrew does when he gets really mad). I can’t help but swerve at the last minute and usually end up nicking people in the shoulders. The Koreans don’t look at you though, they just keep walking. They small Korean girls usually get knocked pretty hard and sometimes they let out a whine, but most of the time they bear up and keep balanced on their high heels.

Koreans walk and watch TV on their cell phones, they walk with their head down, they poke you in the eye with umbrellas, they fall asleep on you on the subway (literally head on your shoulder)…You can even see this kind of thinking while driving. People cut each other off and race to beat the bus, and try pass each other in the other lane at the last minute even though the traffic begins to pick up in their lane…But the Koreans never get traffic rage. They just accept it, maybe act surprised that they almost died, and keep driving.

2. You aren’t a viable option as a boyfriend/girlfriend unless you’ve been formally introduced

Aside from a few special circumstances, most Koreans meet their significant others through a ‘blind date’ or a ‘meeting.’ A blind date is pretty self-explanatory…a mutual friend introduces you and you go on a date. A meeting is what happens with a group of evenly matched people (even number of boys and girls) gets together to go out for dinner/drinks whatever. Most of the time, except for the boy and girl who brought the group together in the first place, the boys and girls don’t know each other. They play ice breaker games to loosen the ice such as “Image Game” in which a person says a statement (like who is most likely to get plastic surgery) and everyone points their chopstick at who they think the statement applies to/.

One time I was at a bar and the group of friends I was with (westerners, two boys and two girls including me) sat down with a group of two Korean girls and one korean boy who invited us (maybe because our groups almost matched?) The K-boy promptly asked the two western boys I was with which girl he thought was the prettiest.

There are some ways girls and boys who don’t know each other interact in Seoul. For example, night clubs in Seoul are places in which girls are pulled away from the tables they’re sitting at or the groups there with and made to sit with a different group of boys at the club. From there they can go back to their original table or they can stay to talk to the new boys. Also, dance clubs are another place where social barriers are more lax. Guys are usually very aggressive with girls on the dance floor, usually more aggressive with girls they don’t know, and this interaction sometimes results in friendship or hookups.

3. If you fall they will not help.

Unless you’re old or a child, if you fall or do something embarrassing in public, the general population will pretend it didn’t happen. As mentioned in a previous post, I was walking on the street looking around at the city and ran head-first into a steel sign. The guy in front of me turned around to see what happened, saw, and quickly turned his head forward again without breaking stride. I’ve seen other Koreans fall on the steps or in the street, I myself have eaten it in the subway or on the icy winter Seoul streets, the result is always the same.

Westerners are always the exception to the rules. If a Korean can tell you’re foreign, they don’t hold you to the same standards or expect you to follow the rules. But for me, its harder because unless I’m talking on the phone or with a friend, Koreans assume I’m Korean, and if I break a rule, they look at me as if I should know better.

I didn’t really mean for this post to sound so negative. It started off as an observation of a weird paradox I observed in Korean culture and evolved into a sort of rant. I guess it reflects some of my personal frustrations with living here; however, I have to note that I have come to appreciate Korean culture. It helps conserve your energy somewhat to not have to interact with strangers all the time. I like dressing up to go out into the city. I want to try out the night club experience. Its nice to live in for a while, but I fear that my western instincts and upbringing have ruined me for permanent living here. What do you guys think??